Should Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?

Where does my time go?!

2010-03-19T11:09:00.002-04:00

This weekend I am pretty determined to sit down and type ya'll a full update.
I've been really wanting and meaning to, but my days are over before I even blink, it seems.

Many, MANY happenings- good and bad...

GREAT happening is that our church seems to be entering a proposal to rent The Mozart House for the next 5 years or so and then perhaps purchasing it. Any improvements we make (there is currently no heat), would go off of the price of the building. All of that is in God's hands, however; the possibilities WE can do for Him are endless- there are office spaces, a fully stocked kitchen (well, minus the food obviously. but I mean plates and such)-with this, PM is in love with the fact we could totally do a 7 day a week soup kitchen.
another possibility? a mission type building for those who do not have a place to stay.
From what I understand, bands used to play here- maybe we can have Fellowship night- which is normallyheld at PM & Jean's house there???

The opportunities are endless as I've said.

I invite you all to come with us this Sunday, March 21st at 10:30. We are meeting at The Mozart House on a 'field trip' sort of!!!! Expect it to be cold, as there is no heat. Expect it to be dirty. But who really cares?! 'Church' is not all about dressing up in your finest and never getting your hands dirty!!!

Manda and I are off to Lifeway this afternoon to start volunteering!!!

Kyler finished up wrestling season and is actually VERY stoked about next season. He will be going to my older brother's house for part of the summer to train, lift, attend camp, learn moves, etc.

Jack is well, Jack. He is content with whatever life throws his way!!

We got a new puppy. He is a Minnie Jack (a min-pin/jack russell). He is ADORABLE. beyond adorable!

Shawn called me last night and asked me to be in he and Stacie's wedding. He made me cry!

well, TTFN, promise to post more soon!

Its been forever. I know.

2010-01-12T06:53:00.001-05:00

Its been forever. I know. I apologize! It is a New Year and new years are time for new beginnings, right? Let's hope...

Honestly!

2009-07-17T06:57:00.002-04:00

HONESTLY PEOPLE!-now THAT is a saying i can say i hardly miss hearing. for those of you who know my work situation, you know what i am talking about and you know how happy i am to be working ALONE right now. for now, sadly-for as the saying goes-'all good things must come to an end'. :-(

i have come to realize, this world is chalk full of negative people. ready to POUNCE. at any given second. blech!

everywhere you look it seems that you find negativity. and i am quite SICK to death of it.
people pick at the most petty things that it is truly absurd. take my neighborhood for example.
blech. the people are the most completely NOT open minded, bitter individuals i have ever met.

oh well, onto updates, i suppose. :-P

we are 'enjoying' summer vacation as best as one possibly can. NOT! the kids are bored to tears and have not a clue as to what to do. given the fact that we have not truly had a SUMMER yet, it is certainly understandable!
kyler and jack constantly need to be entertained. manda gets bored, yes, but she is at the age where she is able to go do things.
kyler and jack have been coming to work with me since shirley has gone on vacation. this helps with my babysitter ordeal, but it does NOT help my work ordeal. i am so far behind, i am going to have to work saturday!

manda went to warped tour the week before last and had a blast. she got to meet and get a picture with one of her favorite bands-'breathe carolina'. she was ecstatic!!
last week she went to the bob dylan concert and well, let's just say she didn't have quite as good a time there. LOL! she was sooooooo far out of her element, but you know-these types of situations are good for one, every now and then. i truly believe that we must semi-regularly expose ourselves to people other than those of our 'norm'. -helps us keep an open mind!

kyler and jack start football the first of august. kyler is still pretty adament that he is NOT playing, while tim and i keep telling him-'ohhhhhh, but you are and you WILL like it'.
i never thought i would be one to force my children to play sports, but i feel and also in the words of one of my former teachers 'sometimes, you need to let your child know who is boss and still in control'.

i feel that once kyler gets into football, he will see for himself how good he is at the sport and see how the others guys will (and currently DO) accept him and it is my hopes that he will feel accepted and know what it feels like to be a part of a team.

he is currently OFF all of his meds (per my prior post regarding the new counselor). turns out-we are going quite mad. life at the kruel house is beyond chaotic. so-for those of you who remark that we don't do things with you/anybody and other remarks i have been either told or overheard-the only thing i have to say is-COME LIVE ONE DAY WITH US.
you will be, for lack of better words, entertained and delighted with the sounds of my son, regularly, screaming at my other two how much he hates them-directed towards my daughter, particularly. how he wishes she was not a part of this family, how he wishes she didn't live with us. how much he hates us. how he hates living. he is BORED. we are horrible parents. we are abusive parents. how he is sick of us not having the money for anything. how he cannot understand why we can't just snap our fingers and make the money appear. how he is stupid. how WE are even stupider.
and on and on the saga goes. there are many things that he says that i will not even write on here.
and the best part? that great 'new' counselor that i retrieved our medical records from pittsburgh for? he has yet to return my phone call. it seems that since latrobe and greensburg mental health centers have announced their closings, he is 'crazy with' calls. well, just dandy.

so, i went to our pediatrician who is the most wonderful lady ever (truly, she IS). SHE, at least returns my phone calls! in fact, she regularly calls us in the evenings to check in with me and see if ANY of the umteen number of psychiatrists i have been calling have called me back. which, sadly, i must answer 'no. not a one'.
she is able to prescribe him the medication he is in need of, but he must first have an evaluation.

isn't life grand? LOL, truly, it IS! we could have it worse. i could have a child that is struggling, trying to beat a terminal illness. i don't. i am most fortunate.
what my children deal with? they are workable, treatable. thankfully!

i'd like to ask you all to follow this blog of our (i say our because we casually attend charter oak. i cannot even say casually anymore because we haven't been to in quite awhile, because we don't feel we fit in. perhaps because i am trying to find a church that is like ligonier baptist-which i so truly loved, fit in, and belonged? it is my prayer, though, that we find another soon)
however; at any rate, this man was the youth pastor and thee MOST remarkable human being i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. certain things happened and it seemed unfair at the time. while it is still unfair, i firmly believe and know that God has a plan for each one of us and perhaps this is part of Pastor Mark's plan of life.
If you could, please pray for Pastor Mark and his family as he embarks on this amazing journey towards his new life! i thank you plenty, in advance! http://likethemorningmist.blogspot.com/

timmy is continuing to work himself to death-the past two days i have been thoroughly convinced of it. in fact, last night when i returned home from manda and i cleaning the barn, he was quite delirious and totally NOT himself.
he has begun to take on the wonderful, but incredibly stressful task of building bridges. not only building them, but supervising and leading a crew in doing so. oye!

lidya has begun walking! she will be having her FIRST BIRTHDAY here soon! (end of this month to be exact). is has been so amazing to see what an interactive, happy child she is!

katelyn begins the big 'K' here soon! i cannot believe she is in kindergarten already! she's excited to ride the bus with jack.

natalie continues to fascinate and love me more and more every single day. how i love that child. she has, and continues to-teach me what love is about. not that my own children don't, because they do. however; i see with natalie, what i missed with my children, since i had them so young. i realize how much i missed out on with my own-because of lack of patience.
however; i take what i learn from her and apply toward my relationship with my children NOW.

last but not least and i have to get going to get ready for work-krista and dave's WEDDING is almost upon us!!!!!!! one week from today they will say I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relocation, Weddings, Deaths...We never know what to expect do we?!

2009-06-29T11:24:00.002-04:00

Can you believe the number of people that have died this past week?
Let me just say one thing about Michael Jackson- I truly am sorry the man died. I am. However; Do you think that, perhaps-Farrah Fawcett could get some coverage. Just a little?
I mean, the woman suffered for the past how many months and suddenly the ONLY coverage you see is about Michael Jackson.
I just feel it is wrong.

My sister-in-law's shower was held on Saturday afternoon. It was beautifully decorated and the food was TO DIE FOR. Krista really is marrying into a wonderful family.
Lidya was happily entertaining herself, trying to walk, and yelling/talking to the imaginary friends I swear she thinks she has-LOL!
Katelyn's little friend Emma was there and they played THE WHOLE time! It was cute to watch them.
Krista and Dave got A LOT of nice stuff. Their home is going to be filled with plenty of beautiful things!

My mother-in-law read a poem entitled 'Sisters' and it was about the importance of the friends, sisters, cousins, etc in our lives and how we must not lose touch with them, as we will continue to need them, more and more, as the years go on-even after marriage.
I started to cry and it was ALL I could do to hold back my tears. It was incredibly hard not to break down right then and there, but I did good and only let one tear fall!
It was just such an ironic day-though it wasn't the date Heather passed away on, it was the same weekend and it was so weird-the day of Heather's accident and death, Aunt Dar was up from Florida and John and Debbie were down visiting. Saturday at Krista's shower? Aunt Dar was up from Florida and Debbie was at the shower as well! It was a hot day, as was this past Saturday!
It was just sooo ironic! It was a great poem as well-I will have to ask Betsy for a copy of it so that I can share it with you all!

On the home front, Timmy and I had it all planned that we were moving next June. I FINALLY convinced Manda to come with us and everything. Several things kept giving me an uneasy feeling though.
Manda was very undecided as to whether or not she was going to come with us-as was to be expected. After all, she would have just finished her first year of high school. She is 14 and right now, her friends are her entire world. Nor, can any blame be put on her for this feeling. I was the same way. She was going to live with either my parents or my older sister/Bradley/Tom and the kids.
However; there are so many milestones Timmy and I would have missed. Yes, I would have come up for many visits, but I would have missed her so much. It would have almost been like giving her up for the next 3 years.

I finally had enough of the uncertainty of it all and started praying really really hard for the past week about what to do. I finally feel I got my answer-in lots of small ways over this past weekend.

I also have an obligation to Ashley. Ashley is my second daughter. Not only because of Heather's passing, but because she always has been. BUT, even more so now that Heather is gone. Ashley comes to me with everything-when she is having problems and needs to talk, as well as just saying 'hey' every morning. I almost HAVE to stay here until she is out of school. Heather would have done the same for me. She would have stayed here for Manda and my boys.
She makes me laugh, that Ashley. She will text me and just tell me random things-and then apologize. I ask her constantly why she is apologizing and she says- I'm sorry I always talk to you but I enjoy talking to you.
I tell her she is a complete and total dork because does she not think I enjoy talking to her as well?!

I am not ready to leave Brad either. I need to be around for him for the next couple of years as well. He would have an absolute heart attack if I were to leave, which is precisely why I did NOT tell him we were leaving. Except, his little brother let it leak and he questioned me about it this morning! Wasn't he relieved to hear I wasn't leaving him quite yet?!?!

Pa is another reason I can't leave quite yet. He and Timmy are so very close. I must say that I almost instantaneously grew to love both he and Timmy's grandma the instant I met the both of them way back when Timmy and I were in high school.
Tim's grandma was one of thee dearest people I have ever met in my life and I feel I am so very fortunate to have had her in my life, though for only a short while. She was the kind who made you feel loved and special the minute she met you.
While I loved Tim's grandpap instantly as well, grandpaps are well, grandpaps. They are so cute and loveable, but have this distance at the same time.
Since Tim's grandma passed away two weeks prior to our marriage, we have had the honor of having Pa in our lives-and getting to know him much better. I love Pa as if he were my own Grandpap. I actually see more of Pa than my own Grandpap. Tim and I always say how fortunate we are to have him as our neighbor. Not because of the things he does for us, but because we are truly blessed to have this extra time with him in our lives, as well as our children to have the honor of having their Great-Grandpa, who is in good health, in their lives. Not everyone can say that about their own grandparents, let alone their GREAT grandparent(S).

Pa truly gets a kick out of cutting our grass -and now that he no longer cuts Red Rock's grass, he finds MORE lawn work of ours to keep him busy. Just the other day, I look out my window while I was doing dishes and there goes Pa-pushing the wheelbarrow-full of wood to take to the fire, passed my kitchen window!

We have offered him money for the gas, which he refuses. So, in turn, I make and take him dinner every night. I do this, mainly because, if Pa had his way, he would ONLY drink his cheap whiskey all damned day and NOT eat. This way, if I take him dinner, he knows we appreciate him AND I know for sure that he eats!

The other main reason I cannot leave is my dear, sweet, loveable, adorable, kissable, huggable, most favorite Miss Beans. I just do not want her to forget me. We are so close right now and have such a great relationship (for instance, she just told my boys this weekend when they asked her if she loved them that 'no, I just love my Jenn, not you guys'), that I do not and cannot have her forget me.
Tim tells me all of the time that she will not forget me because he never forgot his Aunt Dar all those years when she lived in Germany and N. Carolina. He tells me that when he was older that yes, she was back in Pennsylvania, but that he was in school and she was waitressing at Dino's by then. I know he is right, but I just don't know.

Kyler is just starting football and we have finally found a decent counselor for him. I don't want to mess that all up either.
I get a kick out of seeing Katelyn and Lidya in the yard, hearing Lidya's screaming (joyful, not sad) and seeing Matt and Emily either walking or riding by the house with the girls in tow or on their back every night.

I sat the boys down Saturday night when it was just us-Timmy had gone to Pittsburgh for the night with Chris, and Manda was out at my parents. I asked them-if we were to wait until Manda graduates to move, do they think they'd be okay with that-since they would already be in and Jack would be starting high school then too.
They said they are ready to go TODAY, that yes, they'd be fine with moving then. I guess boys are different, so it will work out.
Plus, Chris told Timmy that he would love nothing more than to have us down there with him, but since Timmy's bridge work is booming up here, and the economy is not so good down there-that it really is for the best to wait.

It's very ironic, that all I ever wanted was to move-I wanted TIM to want to move, and now-he is ready to, and I am not.
He and I were talking the other day about this-he said 'isn't it funny Jenn, how I could up and move and leave EVERYTHING behind and you are too attached to your nieces, nephews, Ashley, etc.'
It is. But now, I truly now how he feels, I know that he is going to be really ready for the move when we do move-and I needed to KNOW that. I told Tim that I needed to know that he WANTED it as much as I did-not just because I wanted it.
I am at ease and peace with things now. And this is all I wanted. I wanted peace-after so many years of not knowing what was next, etc.

This decision also works out because by the time Manda graduates, our house will be paid off and Manda will be able to live in the house during the summer and come be with us in the winter, etc. Or we will just have it to stay in for when we come to visit Tim's family and my family.
We will not have to work quickly to finish it and try to sell it. We can now officially take it off the 'market'.
Manda has Toby and we have the best group of people up at the barn. We truly do. Toby has been one of the best forms of therapies for her and that was a burden on me.
The boys have been searching Craig's list 'religiously' the past couple of weeks for dirt bikes.
If we moved down south right now, I'd have to pay off Toby by next June and find a new place to keep him. The boys wouldn't be able to have dirt bikes, etc. because Tim and I plan on either building or buying a house in Barefoot by Chris and Jenna.

I now know that by the time four years is up, I will have firmly established my relationship with Natalie, Katelyn, and Lidya. I know that Bradley, Ashley, and Manda will be old enought to come see Tim and I whenever they want-or move with us like they have each seperately mentioned.
I know that Tim's parents, my parents, and each of our siblings and their familes will come visit.
Our credit will be back in order from this house and this experience and we will have the room for our family and friends up here-to come visit whenever they want.

Peace-is a WONDERFUL feeling!

Summer's Best Two Weeks

2009-06-02T10:25:00.002-04:00

Morning all!

"We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities."
-- Oscar Wilde

One more day until summer vacation and I will no longer have to drive the kids to school each and every day! WOOOO HOOOOOOO!
I'm very excited!

I am hoping this summer will be a good one for the kids. They haven't had a decent summer vacation in about 3 years. This is due, in part, to my negligence. Because of the house, Tim and I have been so incredibly focused on work, work, work so that we can make money to pay off our umteen million gazillion loans on the thing.

One thing I have come to realize in the past almost year is that-I am NOT content with working more than full time to pay for a house.
What do I want? What does Tim want? We want to have a 'nice' home to live in, yes. However; it is not fair to anyone for us to 'kill' ourselves.
What happened to the simplicity of living? Cut out all the BS and extras and enjoy EACH OTHER'S COMPANY?

Tim and I are in the process of doing just that. We are cutting out all of the nonsense extras that we do need. The Sirius radio? scratch that. The extra cable channels? scratch those.
The extras on our cell phones? scratch those too.

All of that mumbo jumbo crap. It's all going.

I do NOT count Toby as an extra though. Toby has been a wonderful part of Manda's recovery. He has been so therapeutic for her. I have read stories about the benefits of animals helping humans heal, and I DID believe it, but I would never have believed to the extent I have witnessed with my own eyes.

They boys are both in gear to start football. They will both start in August. However; they are both starting their daily sprints beginning Monday, June 8th. (this is not a requirement, but a MOMMY ORDER).
However; Kyler starts weightlifting June 8th as well. This is something that the high school and junior high players do, pretty much year round.

Manda was unable to play softball this year because she has yet to be cleared by her doctor from the December surgery. Next appointment, he will let us know how much the other 'spot' in her left ear has or has not (hopefully has NOT) grown.

Summer's Best Two Weeks called about a week and a half ago to let me know that an opening has become available for Kyler to attend camp!
He will go to camp and STAY at camp for two whole weeks (actually 15 days).
Kyler starts camp July 19th and we will pick him up July 31st.

The best thing about him going to Summer's best two weeks, is that there are two different parts of Summer's Best and the one he is going to attend is the big sport one!
You MUST check out their website!! Go to http://www.sb2w.org and click on SB2W@theQUE

He does not know he is going for sure yet because we had a minor 'blow up' shall we call it? I will be breaking the news to him shortly.

Manda is attending 'Creation' with her youth group she attends at Covenant. She will be there from June 24th-June 27th. I cannot wait for her to attend. She has a WONDERFUL time at Primetime (youthgroup). They truly have a great group of kids. I could not be more proud of her, as well as her choice of friends. She is truly a great girl, with a good head on her shoulders and we should all remember this.

I get really upset with people when they make comments about some of today's youth.
Yes, everyone IS entitled to their own opinions, but to me-so what if my son has a mohawk? So what if Manda has purple highlights in her hair. And-as much as the screamo music drives me ABSOLUTELY NUTSO and the skinny jeans that my daughter wears turns me off just a tad, BUT- I know FOR A FACT that my child does not do drugs. Nor does she drink. Sex absolutely scares her death (which is sooooo totally a good thing right now!).
I know for a FACT what my child is doing, wherever she may be at the moment. My child talks to me and confides in me. Okay, sometimes it is a little TMI for my ears-what she AND her friends tell me, but I assure any of you, that I truly have no problem sleeping at night because my children are 'different'.

I had the privilege to go with Jack's class yesterday on their Fort Ligonier field trip yesterday. We had PERFECT weather and could not have asked for a better time. It was truly enjoyable. It has been years upon years since I was last there. And honestly, I don't remember A THING from when I was there!
It was fascinating and we had the best guides.
If you either have never been there, or it's been years since you were last there, I highly suggest you going. It is totally worth your time!
Kyler and Jack would really like to go in July because they are going to fire the guns and cannons. I guess normally, they only fire them during Fort Days, but this year they are doing so in July as well.

Well, I am going to wrap up now, seeing as how I AM supposed to be completing my finals right now!

Happiness is a destination...

2009-05-05T12:57:00.000-04:00

'Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.' ~Margaret Young

Funny stuff

2009-05-01T10:21:00.002-04:00

I HAVE to share this hilarious tid bit with you on this oh, sooo dreary morning.

So, the kids and I were cleaning the barns yesterday and there is this goose there. He is a cantakerous thing. He always hisses and balks at me, but then he walks away. mmmmkay?

NOT yesterday! So, Manda and I were walking down to the Trail Barn to get the ranger and take it up to the Takota Barn (new barn) and I'm walking along, talking to Manda in my own little world, mindin' my own and Manda starts screaming and running and goes "can I kick him". I was horrified and I was like NOOO you cannot kick him.
(Now, you all know Manda. She is a total animal lover)

So, she runs full force and all of a sudden I hear this sound like the beating of angel wings may sound, BUT, as I turn around, it is sooooo not an angel!!! It's the friggin goose-flapping his wings, hissing at me, and running full force at me! I was like WHOA! and started running! The thing caught up to me and bit my boot! I managed to 'get rid of him' and Manda and I go on our merry way.

All of a sudden, I hear Jack screaming and we look up to the funniest site I've seen in a long time. (Don't take this the wrong way cause it was hilarious. Seriously, just picture this in your mind.)
Jack is RUNNING down the hill and he has his rubber boots on. These factors, paired with the fact he is running really fast-DOWN hill lemme remind you, he trips and kind of rolls and the goose is ON HIM so fast. Jack curls up into a ball and is covering his head and face while this goose is like, pecking at him!

I am laughing sooo hard that I thought I was going to pee my pants, but at the same time I am trying to yell "Get up, Get up".

So, he manages to get up and he is half laughing, half terrified still-trying to think how he can get away from this damn goose! So, he starts running towards me again and the goose gets him AGAIN. Again, he takes a nose dive and is trying to curl up again, by this time, I've LOST IT. I seriously think I have peed my pants and I can't even talk. Manda is beside me ROLLING with laughter.
Thank GOD for Kamalie (not sure if I am spelling that right), Jimmy and Tracey's St. Bernard. She is the most friendliest, lovable dog I have ever met in my life. The dislike Kamalie has for this goose is pretty evident. She is rather annoyed by this thing and here she comes-running down the hill full force and gets in between Jack and Mr. Goosey. I'm peeing myself, Manda is rolling with laughter and Jack is still laying there-curled in a ball.

Meanwhile, the dog can't talk, so I am trying to make myself be able to talk and tell Jack- 'get UP dumbass. while Kamalie is between you guys GET UP!'

He finally gets up and runs down to us, Kamalie is keeping the goose away and Jack is laughing as hard as Manda and I!!!!!!!!

He thought I was their older sister!!! YES!

2009-04-29T11:53:00.003-04:00

We had our first counseling session on Monday evening. The guy is a FIRST CLASS NUTBALL. He is hilarious and sarcastic and absolutely perfect for my children!

He annoys Manda, but that is okay. She really does laugh when she doesn't realize it and Kyler really, REALLY likes him.

PLUS, the upside? He is in Latrobe. Not all the way in Pittsburgh! YAY!

He is a cognitive psychologist and will be able to teach him ways to deal with and control his behavior. Can't wait til our next session (being serious).

On another positive note, I mentioned to him that I have been somewhat questioning Kyler's diagnosis for the past several number of months and just am not sure of things. One-why does his medicine work for a week-NO MATTER WHICH medicine he is on-and then 'suddenly' quit. We then have to change meds which is a pain in the arse AND extremely irritating for Ky. That then sets his behavior off and the whole household is in shambles then.
As I've said before, all I truly know is that I am at my wit's end and unsure of EVERYTHING in my life.
This man, Greg, TRULY is an answer to my prayer's. He feels with CONSISTENT treatment (meaning weekly) we WILL see changes in all of my children within a month or two.

The downside, I'm afraid if he annoys Manda too bad she won't go back AND she has the right by law to say whether or not she wants to. ugh. (LOL)

Jack gets to start with us at next weeks session.

Back to Kyler's diagnosis...he feels he is NOT bipolar, but actually ADHD (definitely) and possibly Asperger's Syndrome, but NOT bipolar.
We will know and learn more in the weeks to come. I'm excited!

AND?! the very best part??? He thought I was their older sister. YES!!!!!! LOL

In other worldly news...
**I am STILL searching for Manda's birth certificate (you know, the one I had to REORDER because we lost ALL of our birth certificates in the move? Yeah, that one...). I need this in order to have her fingerprinted to move on with our court battle.
WHY does Pennsylvania require fingerprints for every damn thing?

**Timmy is back to work and more stressed than I have ever seen him. He did finally tell his company that he REFUSES to do anymore sidewalk work. He has had it with sidewalks.
The good news is that both Dave AND Timmy have gotten their 'way'- Dave had a talk with Timmy last week and told him the good news.
Rewind a year or so ago: Because of all the funding that has been passed through for the umteen million bridges that are in dire need of repair, C.H.&D. decided to get into bridge work. And for those of you who don't know, Dave used to be Timmy's foreman when Tim first started for the company. He has now been promoted and is in the office and Timmy is now foreman. Dave still thinks of Timmy as the son he never had and really looks after Tim.
Dave wanted Tim to be put on bridge work for sure. So, they both got their way like I said- Dave got Timmy on bridge building finally and Timmy got off of the crappy sidewalk and curb building!

**Jack is on the countdown until the end of school and has been since Monday. LOL

**All three kids AND Timmy are on the countdown until I cut down my hours. Harry had his hip replacement yesterday and is doing WONDERFULLY. He has only taken one pain pill and is in absolutely no pain whatsoever! Isn't that amazing! I am so happy for him. It hurt ME to see him walk toward the end. It was awful.

**Tim is still 'pushing' me to quit entirely, but I just can't. I cannot be completely dependent upon him monetarily. I just can't. Plus, I have worked it out that the few hours I work a week equals out to that of our house payment. That way I feel I am still contributing.
However; the further I get into school, the more involved and harder it becomes and the more difficult I find it to juggle work and school. Who knows. We shall see how it all works out.

**Next Saturday Ashley goes to her first prom! I absolutely canNOT believe it. Her dress is beautiful and she has matching jewelry and everything to go with it. She asked Manda and I to go over and spend the day with her and Roberta and help her get ready. Oh how very much I wish her mother were here to see this day!!!!

**Manda is growing to love her Toby more and more and he actually gives her kisses when she goes to the barn! It is adorable!

**I clean the barns on Thursdays to help with the monthly boarding fee and tomorrow is the first day the kids are able to start helping me out (until fall, then it will go back to me cleaning them alone)

**Manda has decided not to play softball this year

**Kyler will be playing Jr High football this year!!!!

**Jack will be playing Midget football this year!!

**After a HUGE scare, Tim and I's best friend Chris and his girlfriend Jenna were allowed back into their development and learned their house IS still there. There was a big 'wildfire' in North Myrtle and it swept through their housing development. They were told after they were evacuated that their house was gone. Then they weren't sure, then it was, etc. I am just so relieved THEY are okay, but definitely also that their house and their belongings are still there. (Material things can be replaced, but people cannot!)

I guess that is all for now. Hope ya'll enjoyed the update.

Miss Manda will officially be a 'Kruel'

2009-04-27T11:31:00.002-04:00

It is going to be a long, hard road, but we two weeks ago Tim and I officially started the process of changing Manda's last name.
I won't get into specifics, but she has been asking to have her last name dropped for some time now, but was always afraid to go to court when the time came.

She has not used her birth name since probably 5th grade. However; some things have happened and she wants RID of it, like yesterday.

We began the proceedings and had to send her 'father' a letter to advise him. Actually, NO, I take that back, we did NOT have to, we did so out of 'respect' (for lack of a better word) and got shit on in return.
Pardon my french, but that is just what Manda and I got. I worded the letter a lot nicer than most people I talked to would have. I even ASKED him what name he felt more comfortable with her using.

I am NOT out to bad mouth him, however; since the names he called both my daughter and I and the things he said to us(and believe me, I have VERY broad shoulders, I could care less what he says to me, but the very minute he attacked my daughter, the fight officially began)-I don't give a rat's behind anymore. I am still not going to bad mouth him, but I AM stating the truth when I say, he does NOT contribute one iota towards his daughter, whom he loves SO VERY much's welfare.

For the past 14 years, I have struggled to provide her with everything and more. and for the past 12-Tim has also. Not because HE has to, but because he WANTS to. Tim honestly loves Manda with every bone in his body, as if she is his own.

Like I said, it has now turned into quite an ugly (to put it mildly) battle, but she herself is ready for it.

I do worry that this will affect her more than she lets on, but with Tim and I's love and both of our family's love and all of our friends and her friend's love, and some much needed therapy-she WILL be okay.
I don't think she realizes how very, very much people love her.

Just wanted to update ya'll since I have been neglecting you as of late. I've been so very busy with work and school and the kids. BUT, the good thing is, that in 2 short weeks, I am officially going down to about 18 hours per week of work. This way, I do not have to quit totally, but I still will have more time for my kids and for my school work.
I am hoping this will help balance our home life out some!

That's all for now, I should get back to work and I have to run to Ligonier to pick up some medicine for Kyler and take it home to him.

If you could, please keep Manda in your prayers during this very difficult time, as I am afraid it may get drawn out and will be hard on her.

:)

April Showers Bring May Flowers

2009-04-01T13:47:00.002-04:00

and sadly, they also bring gloominess.

Not much going on here.

Tim and I have returned from our weekend in Myrtle. We went down to visit Christopher and Jenna. It was a great weekend. We didn't have nice weather, but it was indeed nice to get away. We went out, partied like the Rock Stars we are, and caught up on the past several months.

As some of you know, we have been kicking around moving. While I would relish this idea, I am just not quite sure I could leave my daughter. She is my child, I gave birth to her, and she is 1/3 of my entire world. She is okay with the idea of us moving and her staying here and living with Nanny and Pappy, but I would miss so very much. I would miss her softball games and parent teacher conferences. I would miss driving her a million places in one night and so on and so forth.

While she, of course, would come down for Christmas break and Summer vacation and other breaks, I am just so up in arms.

The boys are ready to move. They want to leave NOW!

Tim tells me that we just need to tell Manda we are moving and that is that. However; you canNOT do that!
a) She would hate me the rest of her life if I were to make her move
b) You cannot just make a child move away from her friends at the age of 14
c) She is starting high school- I want her to go into high school with her friends she has known all her life.

I could go on and on and I just cannot convince myself to move, nor can I convince myself this is the right decision to make.
If it is meant to happen, it will. If not, we will wait until either Manda graduates or until Jack graduates.
What is meant to be will be...

In other news...
I have finals this week AGAIN! I can't believe how quickly my classes are moving along. While it is incredibly time consuming-7 days a week-it will be soooooo worth it when I am finished! I 'graduate' in a year with my Associates and then almost 2 more years for my Bachelor's.

I can then move onto deciding what I want to be when I grow up!

Ramblings

2009-03-19T10:30:00.002-04:00

I actually had a lot to say today. But, I got swamped at work and lost my train of thought!

FIRST AND FOREMOST THOUGH!!!!:
ONE MORE DAY until my youngest sister-in-law becomes a HOMEOWNER! She and Dave have their closing tomorrow. It has been incredibly stressful for them and I know they can't wait for it to 'over'. How exciting for them?!

How ironic that last year on this day, it was warm and somewhat sunny, but today is cool, rainy and dreary? Today is the one year anniversary of my friend Mary's death. My heart breaks for her mom-Debbie and her brothers and sister, nieces and nephews. As well as her all of her friends. Every single person that was friends with Mary was touched by her-that is just the type of person she was.
Love you girl!

As I remember, I will be back to add to my 'ramblings'!

THIS is THEE song.

2009-03-18T15:00:00.002-04:00

There could be no more of a perfect song that reminds me of two of my friends that have passed away.
I was driving to my sonogram the other day and this song came on and I had heard it before, but I was at work and so I didn't get to fully listen to the lyrics as closely.

As I listened to this song, I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck and I quickly texted Timmy to tell him this was sooooo Heather's song.
As I was listening to it and thinking about Heather, my friend Mary, who passed away one year ago tomorrow, came to my thoughts as well.

These two people, who have since left us, were two of my best friends. They both lived to make others smile and LAUGH!!!

While I sit here on this bright, beautiful, sunshiney day, I am thinking of these two awesome people, whom I am so blessed to have had in my life!

Check out the lyrics and look it up on the radio or Rhapsody if you can!

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Sisters

2009-02-23T21:42:00.002-05:00

I received a text a little bit ago from my lil sissy. It read:

To my Sisters! God doesn't give you the people you want.
He gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt
you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you into the
person you were meant to be. LOVE YOU!!!

It made me stop and think how very much I have been missing
Heather the past couple of weeks. It also made me realize how
much I love my sisters and each and every one of my friends that
have stuck by me for years and the new ones I've met.

I am so very fortunate to have the people in my life that I do.

A Manda Update

2009-02-18T09:48:00.003-05:00

Isn't this weather great? There was a nice, light dusting of snow on the ground and vehicles this morning when I took Manda and Kyler to school, however; by the time I left to take Jack Smack to school, it had switched over to sleet and then rain by the time I reached the Elementary school.
Nice.

Apparently Jack has gotten the craps of February weather in SW PA because I came home last evening to the sand I went especially to North Carolina to retrieve-scattered all throughout my living room. I mean, it looked nice and all, but I must say it is rather messy to clean up.
When I kindly asked him to clean it up, he promptly got the sweeper out and ran it like you 'normally' would on carpeting. EXCEPT, we do not have carpeting and it went flying everywhere!!!
Oh well, he tried right? LOL

Pappy and Manda went on a date Monday-to Children's for Manda's checkup. She went to get some more of her packing out. He said it is healing great and by the time we go back on April 3rd, it should ALL be GONE!
She told him she is able to hear people whispering for the first time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Alper says this is wonderful news.

However; the downside is that he has never ever noticed anything in her left ear before. It has always been fine since the second surgery or so. He is afraid there is another cyst forming now in the left ear though.
The bottom part of her eardrum has been retracting the past two or three visits, but that never really worried him. However, there is now, what Dr. Alper calls-a pearl.
It may turn out to be nothing, but this is what was in her right ear and look what it turned into.
But, he will keep an eye on it and should it need fixing, he will. I have all faith in him.
I am so very thankful for Children's and Dr. Alper. He ROCKS!!
You know how their slogan is "if you have children, be glad you have Children's"???? Well, I definitely am!

On a side note, Manda brought home her, ~GULP~, schedule for 9th grade for me to approve and sign. I had to remind myself to breathe for a couple of seconds after she gave it to me and it sank into my brain as to what it was!
I am sure the guidance counselor loves her career choice!
Choice of future career: TATTOO ARTIST
I cannot say I am disappointed! Free tattoos baby (or she had better anyway, I BIRTHED her for goodness sake, after all!!! LOL)
She and I talked and she is wanting to go to Vo-Tech for Graphic Arts/Design as well.
GO MANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad News

2009-02-10T10:15:00.002-05:00

=(

Well, Timmy and I are no longer going to Cabo.
Although GMAC and GM are not affiliated whatsoever, our company is really afraid of backlash from the consumers because of the bailout and what AIG did.

Although GMAC is not doing what AIG did, the American people will not look at it this way, more than likely.

But, don't worry Betsy-I'll still use your cover up this summer!!!!

wouldn't it be wonderful if?

2009-01-28T10:16:00.003-05:00

I have FINALS this week. Can you believe it?! Finals already. I must admit I was very skeptical at first. Attending an ALL online school? How was I possibly going to learn anything?
Let me tell you, University of Phoenix is an incredible school. I have learned a lot, and effectively! I am just amazed.

I do, however; finally, FINALLY know what I want to be when I grow up! A girl Timmy & I are friends with and went to school with works for C.O.R.E.
They recover and place organs with people in need of transplants. Abbe does the actual recovery-which is so unbelievably, incredibly cool to me that I cannot sit still in my seat.
I talked to her, because I want to know how to go about scheduling my degree and what not. She did say there are many positions within the organization so if I finished in Psychology, I could always start there and work my way up/throughout.
Abbe attended mortuary school and was a funeral director, so that is how she is able to be in the recovery part of it. However; since my classes are excelerated, I should be done with my bachelors in early 2011 and could always go onto mortuary school after that, while working for C.O.R.E. at the same time.

We are going to get together to a)catch up and b)talk about the company itself and so she can tell me some of her AMAZING stories!!!!!!! She also said she can get me in to witness a clinic-WHICH WOULD SO TOTALLY ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
I'm so stoked I can't even sit still.

I am NOT holding my breath, but for the first time in a long, long, LOOOONG time things seem to be falling into place for us. Not only just for my schooling, but for other areas of our lives as well.
Those of you who are close to us know that the past several years have been incredibly tough for us. INCREDIBLY. to say the very least.
However; there are just several things happening, that are coinciding with each other that are promising...
...and that's all i'm going to say for now...

I'm an aunt AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-28T10:09:00.003-05:00

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law were finally united with their sweet, new baby Lidya the other day!!!!! They are still in Ethiopia, as they have several appointments to attend, as well as a "special" meeting where they got to meet the birth mother. I cannot imagine how this would be-emotionally-on both of them. But knowing Emily, she is probably one of THEE sweetest, kindest, most gentle people I have ever met. I mean this sincerely. Upon talking to her, I am convinced Lidya's birth mother will be at peace almost immediately.

Lidya makes me an aunt again! Lidya is my EIGHTHniece! (I also have four awesome nephews!!!!). I love every single one of my nieces and nephews and am sooo incredibly blessed to be as close to the majority of them as I am.

Can you imagine?

2009-01-23T14:31:00.002-05:00

I was reading an article last night, all the while thinking of my sister-in-law and brother-in-law who leave TOMORROW for Ethiopia to finally meet, touch, kiss, and bring home their new baby! (We will be able to show you all pictures soon, just think!!!)
Anyhoo-back to this article. I had been already thinking of Matt & Emily before I even started reading the article, but then, as I read the article, my heart broke for this family.

The wife had complications with her pregnancy, but I do not believe (though, I may be wrong) that it was anything they thought would happen-as in DEATH.

Anyhow, the wife delivered via C-Section and maybe 3 days later she stood up out of her bed to see the baby and a dangerous blood clot traveled to her lungs, she told her husband that she felt light headed and passed out, never to wake again-she had passed away.

He started his blog to announce the exciting, joyous arrival of his baby girl. However; since his wife's untimely and completely unexpected death, he is now blogging he and his little girl's journey throughout life-together, minus the love of his life.

I could not help but think how ironic it is that here, my sister-in-law & brother-in-law are, receiving a new life into their lives while, this mother who was ecstatic to become a new momma lost hers.

I am sure, through love, prayers and support, this father will do just fine, just as Matt, Emily, Katelyn & Lidya will do just fine through their love for one another!

I can't wait for the end of this week and for them to return home! Good Luck, Stay Safe, and WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you would, check out this father's blog... http://www.mattlogelin.com/

a picture Miss Manda edited of Mommy

2009-01-19T12:20:00.001-05:00

We sure do love our Steelers, don't we?!

2009-01-19T12:18:00.002-05:00

here is my FAVORITE quote of the day:

"If I could start my life all over again, I would be a professional football player, and you damn well better believe I would be a Pittsburgh Steeler." Jack Lambert

Good "WE ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL" Afternoon!

2009-01-19T12:08:00.002-05:00

WHAT A GAME huh?!
Natalie was over with her momma and daddy for the game and we were in our matching jerseys. I got pictures, but the girl doesn't sit still long enough to get a good one! lol
I must say, that hit was ROCKIN'!!!! I got a little sick to my stomach though-I honestly thought he was dead.

While this is one of the most wonderful days of our lives!!!!!!!!!!!, I must ask you all to please keep Timmy & I's family in your prayers. We are going through an extremely difficult time right now. I will not elaborate because I do not feel as if the whole world should know my family's problems. But please keep us in your prayers and pray that I will find the answer I so desperately need regarding another job.

SCRATCH THAT...

2009-01-15T12:21:00.004-05:00

Scratch those birthday wishes...okay? THE ONLY THING I REALLY WANT is for Manda & Ashley to do away with this stupid tiff they have going on.
I understand both sides and Ashley is not and was never mad at Manda. Manda is allowing her "Barbus Stubborness" to show through and will not wain. I understand she was hurt. I understand she was mad.
But what MY DAUGHTER IS NOT UNDERSTANDING is that the day my best friend died, I also, lost what always felt like another child. To me, Ashley always has been one of my children. To Heather, all three of mine were hers.
I waited over 3 LONG years for Ashley to return to us and she finally did, and nothing, I MEAN NOTHING could have made me happier!!!!!!!!!

I still talk to Ashley, but she isn't able to come over like she did when she first came back.

So, would someone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE explain to my daughter that sometimes you need to be the bigger person?, that sometimes you need to swallow your hurt and realize that the other person truly did not intend to ever hurt you?

Really, and truly, that is the only thing I want for my birthday. And if someone could this squabble cleared up, I would be the happiest girl in the world...

Heat, pretty please...

2009-01-14T11:25:00.002-05:00

So, I'm sitting here working for the 3rd day in a row with no heat. Today is much worse because a)it is 11 degrees, thermometer wise and b)not only is our main electric heater broken, but our furnace is now broken as well.

Our breakers keep going because we need the electric updated.

The furnace has never been cleaned, any maintenance ever performed. I guess this is what you get, but why should Shirley and I have to pay for someone else's stupidity????

Grrrrrrrrrr. Im frustrated today. Extra Zoloft here I come...

Birthday Wishes

2009-01-12T16:50:00.002-05:00

Today, it is absolutely freezing. I arrived to work this morning to it being NOT EVEN 50 degrees in there. I can't take the cold!
Our heater has been leaking for months now, but no one believed us. Now that they finally do, it no longer works very well. After it being 50 degrees for over 2 hours, it slowly got up to 60. It is now, AT THE END OF OUR WORK DAY, 70 degrees.
Shirley and I's feet and hands are so cold it hurts to walk and we couldn't work with our gloves on because we type for crying out loud!!!

Anyway, onto better things-I never, ever, ever ask for anything for my birthday. In fact, I feel my birthday is just another day that comes and goes. However; this year, I told the kids that the only thing I want is a comfy new pair of tennis shoes. So, if anyone cares-if you all could just pitch together and get me a nice pair of either Adidas or Nike Shox, I'd be happier than anything!

The working out thing is coming along better than I had hoped. The kids and I have managed to make it to the YMCA several times and we work out for approximately an hour and a half each time. Im proud of my kids, I truly am!
I keep stressing to them that this is for their health. I know they think I am crazy, but hey-it is!!!

Night all...

oh my, how could I have forgotten?!

2009-01-08T11:11:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I forgot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Timmy and I finally get to go on our honeymoon-11 years later.

Harry and I acquired a new company in late July of this year-GMAC Insurance. They were offering a promo to all of their agents-write X amount in new business by December 19th, 2008 and if you qualify, you

WIN A TRIP TO LOS CABOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and guess what? I was like "OH HELL YEAH!".
I worked my hind end off to qualify for this trip and I did!
It is an all inclusive trip (airfare, resort, food, tip, etc.-$5,000 total) for two!!!
We leave April 29th. We are sooo excited. The kids are a little jealous, but excited that we actually get some time together! Manda just keeps saying "please don't die"-because of all the violence in Mexico. I keep assuring her that we will be fine. I do not plan on really leaving the resort, only "living" in my bikini, sitting on the beach with a margarita and daquiri in my hand for all five days!!!!!!!
well, actually, I DO plan on venturing out to find that ROCKIN' vanilla my in-laws got us while they were in Mexico and STOCKING up!!!!!!
I do not want to wish it here too soon, because I know it will be here and gone too soon anyway!

The resort we are going to look absolutely beautiful! Check it out and let me know what you all think!!!!!
http://www.meliacaboreal.com/

How Time Flies!

2009-01-08T10:29:00.003-05:00

Wow, how time does fly, huh?
It's been many moons since I last posted and many exciting changes have since happened.

Drea & Matt got married, Tim finished out the horrendously loooong "Grove City Project", and has since returned home. The kids are halfway through another school year!

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years have come and gone.

Matt and Emily have received word that they are officially parents again!!! They have been given a daughter named Lidya whom they will get to meet and hold VERY shortly!! (January 26th to be exact!)

My friend from my school days-Mandy and I have "reconnected". For this, I truly am so very grateful. We were good friends throughout school, but then our junior and senior years kind of lost touch, then you graduate and go to college, start families, and just lose touch. However; certain circumstances-both happy and sad- have led us back to each other. I could not be happier. Truly!

Kyler has had tubes put back in his ears, and his tonsils taken out. He is feeling better!

Manda has successfully (praise God!) gone through her reconstructive surgery and Dr. Alper feels extremely confident about this one!!! Now, it is a waiting game, as-since he fused her God given bones instead of putting an artificial prothesis (which is GOOD) in, he had to put EXTRA EXTRA packing in. It has to stay in for a longer amount of time, thus extending the removal of it. He will take it out little by little. The first part of it came out before Christmas. The next stage-late January.

Manda has gotten a horse. Toby, a painter, who resides at Ford Acres Stables. This is such a wonderful opportunity for her. Not every girl can say she has a horse! While it is difficult, financially, right now with Timmy being laid off, we will get through it and I will smile all the way!!!!

Kyler received a guitar for Christmas and will shortly be on her way to becoming an aspiring rock star.

Jack continues to become more and more like Timmy every day of his life. He had the opportunity to go hunting with his dad for the first time ever! As you know, he's gone before, but not with Timmy.

I started back to school in October-full time. It's a lot of work, but it is going to be worth it in the end.
All along for the past several years, Harry and I had thought and talked about me buying the agency when he retires here in a few years. However; several things have happened lately, but the main thing is all along, ever since probably before Timmy and I were even married, I have always compromised and given up the things I wanted. Why? Because that is what you do for love and for your children. And while it is frustrating, it is all worth it in the end. Any decent person would do so. It is "the right" thing to do.
However; there comes a time when you stop and say to yourself-enough is enough and I've have done so.

I stand back and look at myself and the person I've become. I like to think that I have come a loong way since my high school graduation. The young, inexperienced girl who thought she could conquer the world, was going to medical school to become the doctor who was going to change the world, was never going to have kids, and was going to move far, far away-is loooooong gone.

But that's not a bad thing. I used to think it was, but I've realized in the past 4 or 5 years that it ISN'T a bad thing.
If I had moved away, I would not STILL be enjoying this time with my grandfather who, thankfully is still with us! I would not be able to enjoy the closeness I have been blessed enough to have with my nieces and nephews. I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy the closeness with the WONDERFUL friends Timmy and I have had since highschool-and continue to have.

I surely wouldn't have the time I've thankfully had with my dad. Although he isn't doing well-healthwise, I still have him. Some days are better than most, as of late, but such is life.

Thanks to Jinny, I was given a wonderful opportunity simply plopped into my lap to work for her, study, become licensed and make a semi-decent living. All because she connects with me. All because "I am herself 20 years later".

I DO realize most young, teenage mothers, struggling to make ends meet, freshly married, etc. are not offered that good of an opportunity in life. I DO realize how lucky I am.

Being offered that experience, I have been giving the opportunity to grow and prosper as an individual-in many ways. I am forever grateful to Jinny. FOREVER.
We still continue to meet on a somewhat regular basis to just talk, about life, work, whatever. She still continues to try and convince me to go back to college for Physician Assistant!

All in all, what I am trying to say, is that I have grown so much over the years and I have realized over the past couple of years that my heart is NOT in insurance. I will continue in it until I am through school and have another job, but at the end of my life, I want to be able to say that I have made a difference with the time I have been given. I want to be able to say I've done something with my life.

I've always been a person that loves to serve people. To help them, in any way I can. By staying in insurance, owning a business, I can definitely make that wonderful, comfortable living that Tim and I have always wanted, but that isn't going to make me truly happy.

Looking back, I realize that Timmy and I were much better off in certain ways when the kids were younger. We struggled financially, sure. But our lives were simpler.

It is something I can't explain right now. I can't find the words I am looking for right now, but I will work on it.

I am going to finish my degree and hope to get my masters-in Psychology. If you truly know me, you know that this is something I will definitely excel at. This is a passion of mine. Partly because I have witnessed mental illness all my life. Partly because I am blessed (and cursed) with compassion as a trait, and partly because of Kyler's illness and struggles.

Once I made the decision, I felt this strange calm come over me and I am not at ease.

I don't want some big city life. I once did. No longer though.
At heart, I am just a country girl, longing for simplicity and to be humble. I want a little garden, okay-a big garden, to have my friends around me for life. I'm comfortable in my blue jeans, t-shirts, and flip flops. I don't want to wear suits and heels every single day. Heck, if Timmy would allow and go with me, I'd gather my kids and Tim and leave today to be a missionary. That was always my other dream-to go to the Peace Corps.
Tim tells me I'm crazy! So, for now, I will settle for the life I have now and continue trying to convince Tim to be a missionary with me!!!

I probably should go and actually WORK, but I thought I should probably update ya'll since it's been forever!!

...it takes my breath away

2008-07-23T10:56:00.005-04:00

This week has been FANTABULOUS! I am the happiest than I've been in awhile, as are my kids. Why you ask?
Ashley is up visiting for the week. We have seen her Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & today-Wednesday.

Tuesday, Kyler and Manda were to go to the zoo with Ashley, Roberta and Gene, however; unfortunately, Roberta's best friend passed away Monday evening and that, paired together with the wonderful, daily Western PA rain-had them make alternative plans.
Roberta asked me if I minded if Ashley just come to my house yesterday (ARE YOU CRAZY?! Like I'd mind?! lol!) so that she and Gene could go pick up some food and flowers and take them by the house. That was MORE than okay with me, plus it gave Roberta some time to "relax"-for lack of better terms.

Later on in the afternoon yesterday, Manda texts me to see if Ash could maybe spend the night and that she wanted to ask, but didn't want to "invite herself". My reply? TELL HER TO INVITE HERSELF FOR GOD'S SAKE!

This child and my children and Brad were together EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for 9 years, give and take a few-ask our families, I do NOT exaggerate! If she thinks that she EVEN needs to feel "weird" about inviting herself to spend the night, I'll slap her silly-totally kidding!

So, last night, we went and picked Bradley up so that he could spend some more time with her as well and came back home. We then proceeded to have "taco tuesday", they all went for a walk, I drank an entire bottle of blackberry merlot-to help me deal with a certain child, they all went and played football up by the pavillion, my daughter came back and lectured me on "drinking my problems away" and then they ALL proceeded to come climb in bed with me (I was upstairs in bed watching TV with my doggies). It was so nice. Crowded-yes, but nice. Timmy was on the phone laughing at me because they were all in bed with me. It was just like old times when the kids were little and we'd all climb into bed and play with the kids and talk-Heather, Timmy, Myself, Ashley, Kyler and Manda (Jack wasn't born yet).
I've found myself just sitting and staring at Ashley. She'll be talking to me about life, school, how she feels about going to the storage shed on Friday, boyfriends, etc and I'll be lost in translation just adoring her and absolutely loving the time I have been able to spend with her this week.

When I went to go to sleep last night, Kyler asked me what was wrong because I was crying. I told him I wasn't upset, I was just crying because I've been so happy this week having Ashley with us and that they were tears of joy. It has been absolutely wonderful. It almost feels as if it completes you because although Heather isn't here, Ashley, who never ever looked like her mother before-has become her mother. Her mannerisms, her looks, the way she talks, right down to her toes! So, it definitely feels like she is still with us. I "informed" Ashley that she needs to come down more. She agreed.

The other night when we stopped in to take Brad and Taylor home, Kristina saw Ashley and simply could NOT talk. It didn't hit me at first, but then Ashley walked out of the room and she whispered to me "Jennifer, she is Heather all over again. Why didn't you warn me"

I told her I know, I had that reaction about a year or so ago. I instantly burst into tears one day last year when Ashley sent me one of her pictures.

Last night, I text Kris and said how much I love having Ashley but how hard it is (only) certain moments-emotionally wise-I don't mean any other way and Kris' response to me was this and I have to share it because it hit the nail RIGHT on the head:

I bet. You don't know how much you miss her until she's here and then you realize-wow, it seems like just yesterday and she was just always there with the rest of our kids. Makes you want to keep her here with us.

Totally. I couldn't agree more.

I think I just peed my pants...

2008-07-09T15:08:00.002-04:00

Honestly, I do not think I have enough to do at work, some days. SOME DAYS I said.
Others, I "sneak" away from work and escape to my safe haven Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper. Because why? Because it makes me laugh. Hard. I sit here at my desk in crazy ass Derry Pennsylvania, in amongst Monsoon Season every other day and would, ordinarily, CRY. But, when I feel that I need a chuckle, oh hell-who am I kidding, a HARDY LAUGH, I click on Favorites and go straight to Crystal's page. Thank you Daren, for showing me the light...

Hi. I'm Crystal. I'm all a'twitter to be here because Danny's my blog hero and he has a nice place. It's pretty here and I may never go home. Ooh, look! A jelly bean!
...........
Ok, so I don't think that was a jelly bean. Moving right along.
Maybe it's because I was still carrying around a Snoopy doll when I was ten and mowing my Mom down to get to the television for Saturday morning cartoons, but I find it terrifying how quickly our kids are having to mature. My daughter came in from playing this weekend, looking despondent. "What's up, baby squirrel?" I asked.
She sighed. "Oh, it's nothing. I don't think Jason wants to play with me, any more."
I continued feeding my toddler, Harmony, her oatmeal and nodded for Virginia to go on.
"He thinks we spend too much time together. He said he needed space."
I stopped and stared at her for a full thirty seconds. Harmony opened her mouth and grunted while pointing to her tonsils. When that didn't work, she began shrieking, "Mo! Mo! Mo, Mama!" I finally came back to reality and continued shoveling food in her face while I questioned Virginia. "Wait, Jason? Jason who's, what, five? Six?"
"Yeah, six." She flung herself on the sofa and draped one hand across her forehead. I fully expected her drawl about having a case of the vapors.
"V, wait. What brought this on?"
"Well, I told him I needed more of a commitment from him because Allison likes him and I don't want her to steal him from me."
I was staring, again. Harmony sneezed and showered me in oatmeal bits. She chuckled and patted her protruding tummy like this was all just splendidly entertaining.
"Commitment? Oh, no. No, no, no," I said.
"It's okay, I think. He said he doesn't like Allison because she doesn't recycle so I feel strongly that we're going to make it through this."
"Oh, my God. You're eight. You're supposed to be eating your boogers and playing hop- scotch."
Virginia scowled at me. "Mom, I'm not a baby. I mean, we're not kissing or anything-"
I plugged my fingers in my ears and began chanting, "La la la la la la! Can't hear you!"
Harmony plugged hers, grinning wildly. "Ah ya ya ya ya ya ya! Shit! Shit, shit, shit!"
"Stop saying 'shit', Harmony, no matter how appropriate it is." I turned to Virginia. "And you. Go to your room and eat a crayon. Go!"
Later that evening, I was driving home from the grocery store and my fifteen-year-old, Devon, was riding shotgun and madly text messaging. I glanced over. "Devon, call me crazy, but isn't the purpose of having a phone to actually have a conversation with someone? I mean, why didn't I just get you a Raspberry?"
"Blackberry, Mom," he corrected without looking up. "And I do talk to people."
"You talk to me when you need money."
"Exactly." His fingers continued their dance across his keypad.
"I should just push you out of the car. Well, who are you texting?"
"Troy. He's being a douche."
"Nice. Why do you say that?"
"He won't come pick me up. He's telling me to call someone and see if I can get a ride."
"Oh."
He pushed a few more buttons and held the phone up to his ear.
"Yay, you're calling someone! Who are you calling?" I asked.
"Troy. He told me to call someone for a ride. So, I'm calling him."
"What is so important about getting wherever it is you're trying to go?"
"Because I need to be there. He's trying to date Jamie and that's not cool."
"He's trying to date your girlfriend? Really not cool."
"No, Jamie and I broke up."
I was trying desperately to follow along. "So, if you broke up...?" I looked at him, puzzled.
"We still see each other. We have an understanding."
Oh, dear jumping Jehosephat, my brain screamed.. My fifteen-year-old has a 'friend with benefits'.
When we pulled into the driveway, I ordered Devon to go immediately to Virginia's room, immediately. "What for?" he asked me.
"You have some crayons to eat."